Nyah

Why am I always forgetting to blog? Does it have something to do with never being really...settled? I'll never know. Maybe I should give up? I doubt that. All chaotic thoughts aside, I've made another move. Where this time? New Minas. A great place to live, or so it says on the sign.

Still going strong with the boy. We're coming up on a year now, December the 6th. A year of sticking our tongues out, screaming at the top of our lungs, talking like nerds.....And spending those tender moments together too, there's nothing more beautiful in my world than waking up to his face bathed in the morning sun. I keep trying desperately to plan something for us to do for our little anniversary, our small victory, but I can't even begin to imagine what it will be. Hey, internet, how about some ideas?

A year of being cute, together.

Hmmm...

So I haven't been blogging. At all. For like a month. Unfortunately, it isn't because of a lack of things to blog about. After several chaotic occurrences, I found myself 'making the rounds'.

First I ended up in Ottawa to see my boy and the kids.
Meeting his father was terrifying.But then I went home.

Not actually sure where home was, mind you.
But then they caught up with me.

And I figured that this is where home is.
With seven people, two dogs, and a disgruntled old cat.

Yay me!

I write like
Charles Dickens

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Happy Canada Day, And An Old Piece

It's Canada Day! I love Canada! Whoo! I miss Mirror and the kiddos, but I'm doing alright. =)

I wrote this random free verse piece about three months ago and reading through it again I realized that I really like it. So here it is in another place. ^^;

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I saw you today, you weren’t looking very well. I was concerned. But it wasn’t unusual, I see parts of you every single day of my life. You haven’t left me for quite some time now, and I’ve grown accustomed to it. The traces that linger on me are so deeply engrained that I can’t seem to scrub them out, and God Knows, I’ve tried.

I wake in the morning and look in the mirror, I can see your hand prints on my neck, or a cynical glint in my eye that I always assumed belonged to you. A deeper glance, and there’s a scared little girl, banging on the other side of the glass. I wipe away the shower’s steam, and see it’s only me. It takes everything to get up and go on. School, I smile, I see it in my reflection, and they’re your lips and your teeth. I say something cruel, it isn’t my voice. I punch the concrete until I bleed enough to paint the walls, and they still aren’t my fists.

If all these parts of you, are lingering in the dark corners of me, how much of me have you got a hold of? Do you think to lie, but tell the truth instead, because it’s what I would do? Do you want to cry, but stop, because I’m a big girl, and we don’t cry? Or have I been alone all along? I imagine I have. I imagine you haven’t thought twice about me since I left; I imagine you never will.

So as long as I’m living for both of us, being two people in one space at the same time, I figured I’d let you know. It’s fine that you decided to die, on the inside, and just leave me here to go it alone. I’m managing all right, and I’m taking good care of the pieces of you. They’re safest in my heart shaped box, and I don’t even take them out to play with.

I’d still set fires to see you smile. Did you see that coming, through any of this, through all of it? I’d burn buildings and ruin lives for your sideways crooked grin, string myself up on a puppets strings just to make you laugh aloud. If you need to relieve a little stress, you could even batter me around for a bit, I’m sure you know how well I handle that. I can take anything you dish out.

Won’t you let me see that little crack in your soul? Even if it’s not a real smile, let me see it, let me have it to keep, and to cherish. I promise I won’t take it for granted, I promise it will be safe with all the pieces of you and I. One more time, for the sake of the last time, and then maybe I can get some sleep, and then maybe,
just maybe....
I won’t have nightmares anymore....

They're Gone :(

it went a little something like this...

Hurrah!

The internets! I have them in my house now! It's finicky and it doesn't want to stay connected, but at least I've got it. Now I can keep in touch with Mirror while he's away, and I can get back to all my other friends online.

The kids and Mirror are leaving today. Sad face. I'm happy for them, though, I hope they have tons of fun while they're on vaycay with their dad. I wish I could have gone with 'em...Almost. I actually kind of hate traveling lately. Might take some pictures before they go. Will post if I do.

Delayed

I've been trying to write this for a while now, but I didn't know what to say. To put it basically, I don't know my father's new phone number since he moved, and I don't have a long distance plan. Currently, I don't even have internet in my own home. So I just assumed my dad would call me on Father's Day. But it didn't happen like that, it never happens like that.

Father's are something I find people take for granted. Most father's are the hard asses in your life, the ones who lay down the law while your mommy kisses it better afterwords, but they do it in the attempt to shape you into a functional person. When you look at it, almost every psycho in history had some kind of daddy issues. Hitler and Charles Manson probably top my list for that. A lot of successful people, though, have nice, happy, normal dads. Or at least the kind that are good at pretending they are, and seem believable doing it. The point I'm trying to make, is that your dad is integral in pushing you through this life.

A lot of people never realize how much they've relied on that guiding hand until it's gone. See, I always fancied myself daddy's little girl, until my parents separated, my mother went crazy, and my dad dropped off the map. Suddenly, I was not his sole concern, as I assumed I had been. I thought when he went out trucking for weeks at a time, it was because he wanted to make money to feed me, and all the sudden, I was hungry and he wasn't there. For me, this is just another time when he's not around, and I guess I'm adjusted to it now.

But for some reason, I just wish my dad would call.

I did hear from my mom's ex-boyfriend recently though, and he's pretty much the closest thing I have to a dad. I love my adopted-geek-dad.